Dear You
If you’re able to see this, then it means I’ve finally worked up the courage to spill my thoughts and tell you what is really on my mind… So good for me. You may not know me as well as you think, but I tend to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. This, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. But the truth is, there’s no easy way to say this, and so I guess I’ll just say it: I’ve met someone. I wasn’t looking for it. I wasn’t on the make. It was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another. And the next thing I knew I felt like I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. And so there’s been this feeling in my gut when she’s around. She’s completely nuts in a way the makes me smile. Highly neurotic, and a great deal of maintenance required. She is you. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I don’t know how to be with you right now. That scares the shit out of me because I have this feeling that if I’m not with you right now, we’ll get lost out there. It’s a big, bad world full of crazy twists and untimely turns and people have a tendency to blink and miss the moment… The moment that could have changed everything. I don’t know exactly what is going on with us, and I can’t tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn… You smell good. And you make great Pesto Chicken Florentine. And I just can’t stand to walk away. That’s gotta count for something, right?
got dem disease of overanalyzation and it’s making it hard to hold a conversation
Life is a fucking roller coaster. The past few months have been so up and down it has driven me right out of my mind. I find myself so back and forth about everything and needing confirmation for every little thing in my life. The anxiety is overwhelming. I want to just sit back and enjoy what’s good in my life right now but that’s difficult to do sometimes. Writing this kind of calms me down.
I want security. I want to know the ins and outs of everything. Everyone tells me that is no way to live my life, but without knowing I go crazy. Maybe its insecurities of mine or maybe its just the way I need to be. A need to be sure of everything going on by the reassurance of everyone around me. That makes me sound needy…
I guess I’m needy.
I try to sit down and reflect on the past year or so. I try to distinguish the good from the bad and what it all means for me currently and in the future. The influence of recent events is evident. But I naturally come up with conclusions and definites even when I know there’s no way to do logically that. There’s no way to be sure of how things are going to pan out or how to prepare for it.
I suppose the only significant advice would be to focus on simplicity. Keeping things simple and straight forward. Focus on clear cut goals and timelines and not stretch my reality and hope to the what-if’s and maybe’s. It’s hard for me to do sometimes because I’m incapable of shutting my head off and not thinking about every little detail all while desperately seeking answers that, truth be told, don’t really mean much of anything.
I think I think too much. I think you think I think too much. I think you think that I think I think too much. And I totally agree.
Simplicity.
Happiness is apparently not a fish you can catch…
it’s nothing new
I’ve been piecing it together. It’s got something to do with every look thrown like a knife across a crowded room and every slow and quiet car ride I spent drinking in the backseat. Every stupid melody to every stupid song, and stupid word that everybody’s hanging on.
one forty plus: The Woman
Sometimes I get the itch to go out for a drink thinking I might miss meeting the woman of my dreams, but then I realize the woman of my dreams isn’t at a bar at 12:36 on a Wednesday morning. No, the woman of my dreams is asleep in bed with her lame boyfriend she’s only now beginning to see is…
probably
I can’t stand my glasses, but I probably need them to read. I waste all my down time. And I don’t get much sleep. I don’t like the movies, but I’ll probably go any way. And I fight with my mother a lot, when I feel like there’s nothing to say. And I don’t care for punk rock, but I do love Crooked Rain. And I probably won’t talk to strangers like you. But I wish you’d talk to me, just the same. So you should probably say something to me. But you’d probably ruin it then. It’s probably best for us both if I’d keep my mouth shut, and just stay on my side of the train.
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
- Bob Marley (on how to love a woman)
says what i couldn’t put into words
I almost forgot how good this whole record is
one forty plus: Depends on Who You Ask.
I’m not sure if it’s a function of advancing age or just the times we’re living in, but it’s almost impossible for me to find complete external validation in any one thought, desire, instinct or vision anymore.
Who do you want to be exactly like? Is there anybody in this world who’s laid down a…
driving through the California grapevines (august, 2008)
spending two weeks in norcal later this month
